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10.  Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken

Famous Quote: “I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”

The United States’ most famous poet’s most famous poem is a timeless ode to the American ideals of “individuality” and “forging your own path.”  It’s one of those poems that’s so famous, even people who hate poetry can quote it.  These are the reasons it appears on The Academy of American Poets’ list of top poems for college graduation.

Except aside from that last part, everything we just said isn’t true.  Frost is actually using an old technique known as the “unreliable narrator,” and he isn’t even being all that subtle about it: in spite of the famous quote’s insistence that one road is “less traveled by,” the second stanza of the poem clarifies that both roads are “worn… really about the same.”  Oh, and also, Frost himself admitted that he was actually mocking the idea that single decisions would change your life, and specifically making fun of a friend of his who had a tendency to over-think things that really weren’t that big a deal.

So what you thought was life-affirming was really just another poet/hipster condescendingly saying “you think you’re an individual, when really you’re just a cog in the machine, man!”

9.  William Shakespeare, Romeo & Juliet

Famous Quote: “Star-Crossed Lovers”

Aww, Romeo & Juliet: two teenagers in the throes of what could possibly be the most pure love in literary history.  This is why when a magazine wants to comment on, say, Justin Bieber’s love life or the relationship between a little boy and his horse, they’re likely to reference the sonnet that opens Shakespeare’s most famous play by calling them “Star-Crossed Lovers.”

And sure, this is totally appropriate, if you’re expecting these people to die.  ”Star-Crossed” doesn’t mean “brought together by fate,” it means “fated to die,” because the stars (fate) have “crossed” you.  Shakespeare is intentionally reminding everyone at the beginning of his play that this is a frickin’ tragedy, you guys, and you’re in for a miserable ride.

8.  Lewis Carrol, Alice in Wonderland

Famous Quote: “Oh, ’tis love, ’tis love that makes the world go round.”

This is an amazingly misunderstood line from an amazingly misunderstood writer.  Pretty much everything about the life of Lewis Carroll (real name Charles Dodgson) is shrouded in confusion and slander; rather than being about drugs, Alice in Wonderland is most likely a criticism of then-new forms of mathematics that were becoming popular at Dodgson’s own Oxford College.  In addition, though he was commonly accused of pedophilia, The Annotated Alice and The Carroll Myth makes the argument that Dodgson was actually asexual, and preferred the company of children because he was extremely uncomfortable with courting and any form of sexual innuendo.

Finally, and perhaps fittingly, his most famous quote is the one here about love making the world go ’round, and it is directly contrary to all of his pessimistic and strictly logical real-world values.  In context, this quote is said by The Duchess, a character who is introduced as a potential child murderer.  Hardly the kind of character a writer would want to speak the moral of his story.

Finally, need we remind you that Dodgson was a mathematician?  Almost every detail of his biography — as well as the actual context of this story — show that this idea of love as a geo-revolutionary repellant is supposed to be scoffed at, not adored.

So it’s true that you might believe this to be true, but if that’s the case then it’s also true that one of history’s greatest writers is making fun of you.

7.  William Shakespeare, Hamlet

Famous Quote: “This above all: to thine own self be true.”

No, this is not the last time Shakespeare is appearing on this list.  You can probably guess why this line has become popular: it’s a simple platitude, and it’s attractive because it deals with individuality (just like the Frost example).  However, if you look at who’s saying it and really analyze the content of the play, it becomes quickly obvious that Willy Shakes is making fun of this whole concept.

As anyone who’s read Shakespeare knows, the English language has evolved quite a bit since these plays were first performed, and what now seems like new-agey self-acceptance actually meant something quite different in Elizabethan times: Polonius is telling his son to work for himself, and only for himself, and to put everyone else he encounters second.  He’s not encouraging individuality, he’s encouraging selfishness.

Furthermore, Polonius spends the whole play being a complete nitwit, and even Wikipedia’s basic description of him includes pointing out that he is “wrong in all the judgments that he makes during the play.”  In most versions, Laertes (Polonius’s son,and the character he’s talking to) isn’t even listening — lots of stage directors will have the character roll his eyes and scamper off quickly to avoid the avalanche of clichés his father is dumping on him.

So what sounds like the kind of cutesy nonsense you’d roll your eyes at is really just bad advice given by a dumb character to someone who isn’t even listening.

6.  John Keats, Ode to a Grecian Urn

Famous Quote: “Beauty is truth, truth beauty.”

Of all the examples on this list, this is probably the most likely to be misunderstood.  After all, whether or not Keats was being serious when he said that, beauty = truth is basically the Kirk v Picard of classic English Literature.  Unlike that controversy, there has actually emerged a begrudging consensus, and that is “that Keats did not, in fact, believe that beauty is truth.”

The controversy boils down to whether Keats thought art was a) supposed to represent the real world, or b) was better than the real world, with most scholars eventually deciding that Keats believed the latter.  Not only does this cast a strange shadow over the rest of Keats’ work, which is described here as being “way over on the idealistic side of the sliding scale of idealism versus cynicism,” but it’s also just kinda fun and quirky that the most stereotypically pretentious comment in English Literary History was actually a sarcastic quip.

5.  William Shakespeare, Romeo & Juliet

Famous Quote: “Wherefore art thou, Romeo?”

“Wherefore” means “why,” as in, “why is your name Romeo?”  The central conflict of the play is that R & J can’t be together because they are members of feuding families.

Juliet isn’t asking where Romeo is — that’d be stupid.  He’s standing right in front of her.

Also, we told you Shakespeare would show up on this list again.

4.  Rudyard Kipling, The Ballad of East and West

Famous Quote: “Oh East is East and West is West and never the twain shall meet.”

It’s usually just the last couple lines here that are quoted, usually to describe two things that, you know, won’t ever meet.  Memorable instances are from Raising Arizona (“There’s what’s right and there’s what’s right and never the twain shall meet,”) and the first episode of Secret Diary of a Call Girl, if anyone cares at all about that.

The problem is that Kipling isn’t just being sarcastic here — it’s blatantly obvious that within the context of the poem this is just a straw man argument, and only stated at all so he can immediately point out why that statement doesn’t apply.

“Oh, East is East and West is West, and never the twain shall meet,

Till Earth and Sky stand presently at God’s great judgment Seat;

But there is neither East nor West, Border, nor Breed, nor Birth,

When two strong men stand face to face, though they come from the ends of the earth!”

In addition to having some confusions about how capitalization works (silly nineteenth century, amirite?), Kipling is taking the blatant stance that colonialism pretty much rules and East and West are going to meet pretty hard despite all that physics stuff.

3.  Robert Frost, The Mending Wall

Famous Quote: “Good fences make good neighbors.”

Hey Robby Frost, good to see you on this list again.  Privacy is the theme this time, and while the phrase “good fences make good neighbors” is not quite so famous as some others (though you’ve certainly heard it), The Mending Wall gets launched up to number 3 on this list for one simple reason: it’s misunderstood by federal law.

“Separation of powers, a distinctively American political doctrine, profits from the advice authored by a distinctively American poet: Good fences make good neighbors.”

That’s United States Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, literally creating hard law from thin air, and not understanding the thing he’s talking about.

The Mending Wall does include the line “good fences make good neighbors,” but it also paints the character speaking that line as a bit of a twit.  ”Something there is that doesn’t love a wall… (nature) sends the frozen groundswell under it.”  The poem tells a story of two neighbors with a wall between them, but every winter the wall falls apart, so the neighbors have to meet and mend the wall, spending more time together than they otherwise would have and growing increasingly frustrated with the each other.

Remember that the Supreme Court has nine justices, and at least one (Stephen Breyer) actually pointed out the error in his concurring opinion, but Scalia decided to leave the mistake in anyway.

2.  Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Famous Quote: …at the bottom of all these noble races the beast of prey, the splendid blond beast, prowling about avidly in search of spoil and victory…”

We’re not going to put the whole quote up there because Nietzsche was a philosopher and therefore pretty longwinded, but we’ve highlighted the important parts.  Or rather, we’ve highlighted the parts that the Nazis thought were important, when they were all Nazi-ing around and committing the first ever industrialized genocide, trying to live up to the standards that Nietzsche, apparently, set for them.

The problem is that’s not what Nietzsche meant at all.  The original quote ends like this: “the Roman, Arabian, Germanic, Japanese nobility, the Homeric heroes, the Scandinavian Vikings — they all shared this need.”  Everyone’s a blond beast because blond beasts are a metaphor for lions.

So if you’re going to use a philosopher as the backbone of your political movement, you might want to make sure you finish reading his sentence before you get the war machine up and running.  Also, the fact that you thought he was advocating genocide was probably a pretty good hint that you shouldn’t have been listening to him anyway.

You stupid Nazis.

1.  William Shakespeare, Sonnet 18

Famous Quote: “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?”

This is definitely the most quoted line in all of English literature, so much so that you’ve probably seen it as a parody more often that you’ve seen it written out straight — for example, “Shall I compare thee to a bale of hay.”  It’s one of the few poems that is just so cliché that, if a guy recited it to his girlfriend on a date, even the most love-sick of recipients would roll their eyes in disgust.

But when Shakespeare’s talking about “love,” he’s not talking about romantic love or feminine beauty– the first 126 sonnets in Shakespeare’s work are generally understood to be addressed towards a man, and many of the surrounding pieces are actually encouraging procreation.  Shakespeare isn’t wooing a beautiful woman; he’s telling a wealthy young ponz exactly what he wants to hear: that he’s just so damn sexy that it’d be pretty much the worst thing in the world if he didn’t have kids.

So if you’re a lady reading this, if any guy offers to compare you to a summer’s day, say “no, ’cause I’m not a dude.”  If you’re a guy, don’t offer to compare your lady to a summer’s day.  If you’re a man whose wife is trying to convince you that it’s time to have kids then…uh, that’s actually fine.  Nicely done.

Written By JF Sargent

Okay. So. Regarding #1. 

That isn’t at ALL what I learned about Shakespeare’s sonnets. I was taught that it IS about a pure love, maybe or maybe not romantic, between Shakespeare and a young man. They ARE love letters of a sort. There are also some to a dark haired woman, whom he seemed to struggle against being in a relationship with …

but I certainly think that the author of the above piece is ignoring the very real possibility that that poem is indeed about romantic love and by suggesting that it is simply about procreation is taking away from the set of sonnets as a whole. 

• I am a male.
• I am a girl.
• I am shorter than 5’4.
• I think I’m ugly. 
• I have many scars.
• I tan easily.
• I wish my hair was a different color.
• I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
• I have a tattoo.
• I want a tattoo. 
• I am self-conscious about my body.
• I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger. 
• I have more than 2 piercings. 
• I have a piercing in a place other than my ears.
• I have freckles.
• I’ve sworn at my parents.
• I’ve run away from home.
• I’ve been kicked out of the house. 
• I have a sibling less than one year old.
• I want to have kids someday.
• I’m in school.
• I’ve lost a child.
• I have a job. 
• I’ve fallen asleep at work/school.
• I almost always do/did my homework.
• I’ve missed a week or more of school.
• I failed more than 1 class last year.
• I’ve stolen something from my job. 
• I’ve slipped out an “lol” in a spoken conversation.
• Disney movies still make me cry.
• I’ve peed from laughing. 
• I’ve snorted while laughing.
• I’ve cried from laughing so hard.
• I’ve glued my hand to something.
• I’ve had my pants rip in public.
• I was born with a disease/impairment.
• I’ve broken a bone.
• I’ve gotten stitches/staples.
• I’ve had my tonsils removed.
• I’ve sat in a doctor’s office/emergency room with a friend.
• I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed. 
• I had a serious surgery.
• I’ve had chicken pox. 
• I’ve had measles.
• I’ve driven over 200 miles in one day.
• I’ve been on a plane.
• I’ve been to Canada. 
• I’ve been to Mexico. 
• I’ve been to Niagra Falls.
• I’ve been to Japan.
• I’ve been to Africa.
• I’ve been to Hawaii.
• I’ve gotten lost in my city.
• I’ve seen a shooting star.
• I’ve wished on a shooting star.
• I’ve seen a meteor shower.
• I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas. 
• I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
• I’ve kicked a guy where it hurts.
• I’ve been to a casino.
• I’ve been skydiving.
• I’ve gone skinny dipping. 
• I’ve played spin the bottle.  
• I’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
• I’ve crashed a car.
• I’ve been skiing.
• I’ve been in a play.
• I’ve met someone in person from Facebook.
• I’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue.
• I’ve seen the Northern lights.
• I’ve sat on a roof top at night.
• I’ve played chicken.
• I’ve played a prank on someone.
• I’ve ridden in a taxi.
• I’ve seen Rocky Horror Picture Show.
• I’ve eaten sushi.
• I’ve been snowboarding.
• I’m single.
• I’m in a relationship. 
• I’m engaged.
• I’m married.
• I’ve gone on a blind date.
• I’ve been the dumped more than the dumper.
• I miss someone right now.
• I have a fear of abandonment.
• I’ve gotten divorced.
• I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
• I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
• I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
• I’ve kept something from a past relationship.
• I’ve had a crush on a teacher. 
• I’ve been kissed in the rain.
• I’ve hugged a stranger.
• I have kissed a stranger.
• I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.
• I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
• I’ve snuck out of my house.
• I have lied to my parents about where I am.
• I am keeping a secret from the world.
• I’ve cheated while playing a game. 
• I’ve cheated on a test. 
• I’ve run a red light.
• I’ve been suspended from school.
• I’ve witnessed a crime.
• I’ve been in a fist fight.
• I’ve been arrested. 
• I’ve passed out from drinking.
• I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
• I’ve smoked.
• I’ve taken painkillers when I didn’t need them.
• I’ve eaten mushrooms.
• I’ve popped E.
• I’ve inhaled Nitrous.
• I’ve done hard drugs.
• I have cough drops when I’m not sick.
• I have 3 pills at a time no problem. 
• I have been diagnosed with depression
• I have been diagnosed with one or more anxiety disorder.
• I’ve taken an anti-depressant.
• I have been anorexic or bulimic
• I’ve slept an entire day without needing to go pee.
• I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
• I’ve woken up crying.
• I’m afraid of dying.
• I hate funerals.
• I’ve seen someone dying.
• Someone close to me has committed suicide.
• I’ve planned my own suicide.
• I’ve attempted suicide.
• I’ve written a eulogy for myself.
• I own over 5 rap CDs.
• I own an IPod or an MP3 player.
• I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga. 
• I own something from Hot Topic.
• I own something from Pac Sun.
• I collect comic books.